


Technicalities

by Selenay



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, Established Relationship, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Trope Subversion/Inversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenay/pseuds/Selenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They never choose the easy option, even when the options are sex or death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Technicalities

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the "fuck or die" square on my [trope_bingo card](http://selenay936.tumblr.com/post/39382968348/trope-bingo), but this is me so I couldn't take the obvious plot :-D
> 
> The wonderful [sugatasc](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sugatasc/pseuds/sugatasc) has translated this fic into Chinese!
> 
> It can be found [here](http://www.mtslash.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=98443&extra=), ID:Author Password:123456

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to have sex."

Clint grinned up at Phil, who had his arms crossed over his chest and the stubborn expression Clint usually loved on his face. "That's not what you said this morning."

The attempt at a joke fell flat. Phil rolled his eyes. "That was different."

"Different how?" Clint pasted on his most irritating leer. "We've got a bed, we've got plenty of time, we've even got supplies. We were missing most of that this morning and you _still_ wanted to have sex we couldn't actually have."

Phil sighed. "This morning we didn't have a dozen people outside the door threatening to kill us or cameras ready to catch the moment."

Right. Yes. There were a few unusual complications at the moment.

Clint shrugged. "So we put on a show and destroy all the tapes when we break out of here."

"You're assuming we can break out of here."

"We've got five superheroes and a government agency looking for us. I think we can assume."

"My answer is still no," Phil said firmly before sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Clint

This wasn't their bed. It wasn't even their bedroom and Clint was still hazy on how they'd got here. He'd been weighing up the good and bad points of the room since he'd woken up because it was less unsettling than remembering why they'd been brought here. In the plus column, the bed was huge and comfortable and the various cabinets and drawers were well-stocked with whatever an adventurous couple might want.

In the negative column, the decor was tackier than a really bad brothel and there were cameras positioned to pick up everything in every damn corner of the room. Clint wouldn't have put it past their captors to put a camera under the bed, just in case, although it was difficult to work out how anything more energetic than a quickie hand job could be done under there.

Clint was fairly sure Stark was going to kill himself laughing if he found them here. Not just because the entire concept of "fuck on camera or we kill you" was insane, but also because the bedroom took tacky to a new level and Phil stood out like a sore thumb. He didn't look uncomfortable, Phil was always too calm and collected for that, but the contrast of his sober dark suit and the lush red and gold furnishings was jarring. Clint couldn't decide whether he looked any less out of place sitting there in his field uniform, but he suspected that wasn't the point. Mostly because he suspected the point was supposed to involve a lot more nakedness on his part.

That had definitely been the impression he'd gathered from the video message that had started as they slowly woke up. In some ways the video had been the least surreal part of a weird day: any day that started out with giant lizards in Central Park was definitely classified as strange. As that was followed by a chunk of time missing from his memory and then waking up draped across Phil on a bed straight out of a bad porn movie, the day was currently winning on his top ten list of crazy.

Clint was pulled out of his thoughts by the warm touch of Phil's hand on his as Phil tangled their fingers together on the bed, hidden from the cameras by their bodies.

"If we weren't already in a relationship or you were here with someone else," Phil said quietly, "would you still be choosing the sex side of the 'fuck or die' choice we've been given?"

"I-" Clint broke off and frowned thoughtfully. "I don't know."

"Oh."

Clint shrugged. "It's not a thing I've ever thought about before. If I was being ordered to fuck a stranger or die? Yeah, I'd fight that. No questions there. If it was Nat? I guess we'd talk about it. If it was you and we weren't together...I really don't know. If it was you here with me and we weren't together yet then I'd probably want sex but I wouldn't want to wreck whatever friendship we had. So, I guess it's complicated and I don't know what I'd do is the best answer I can come up with."

He risked a quick glanced out of the corner of his eye. Phil was staring at the wall with a look of deep concentration.

"But it's you here," Clint found himself saying, "and we're together so it's completely different. I mean, we have sex. We fuck. We are not exactly strangers to each other's cocks. So given a choice between sex and death right now, with you, I pick sex. Hands down."

"And I don't."

Clint frowned. "You pick death? Seriously?"

"You don't find the lack of consent implied by "fuck or we kill you" problematic?" Phil asked.

"I...didn't until you pointed it out," Clint said.

"Now?"

"Now I find this whole thing even more disturbing than it was five minutes ago."

Phil squeezed his hand. "So you can see why I'm making the decision I am?"

"And it's got nothing to do with not wanting to make a sex tape that people can threaten to send to our mortal enemies and CNN in an attempt to blackmail us and SHIELD?"

"That thought crossed my mind as well," Phil admitted, "but it's not going to be as effective as our jailers think. Director Fury doesn't negotiate with terrorists. Not ones trying to negotiate with fairly vanilla sex tapes of their top operatives, anyway."

"I think I'm insulted," Clint said with forced lightness. "Our sex tape definitely wouldn't be vanilla."

The amused glare Phil sent him just made Clint grin and shrug. "I'm just saying. That thing where you-"

"Maybe we could focus on the immediate problem?" Phil interrupted.

"Sure. We can do that." Clint shrugged. "I still pick sex."

"And I don't."

"You know they're going to get impatient soon. We've been sitting in here for the last two hours debating this."

"My answer's the same."

Clint sighed. "OK, how about a compromise. We fake it for a while. We put on a really good show, pretend we're actually going to go for it. Maybe it'll buy us enough time for Stark or SHIELD to track us."

"We fake it," Phil said with a hint of disbelief in his voice.

"Sure." Clint patted the bed. "Lots of foreplay under the covers, I'll take off my tac vest to make it look good, and we pretend to fool around until we get rescued."

Phil blinked. "And how is this not picking the sex option?"

"There will be no orgasms or touching of each other's dicks," Clint said firmly. "Pretty sure that makes it not sex."

"Nearly sex."

"Not actually sex."

"Are you arguing the technicalities of what is and isn't sex?"

Clint grinned. "Sure I am. And if no cocks are touched and no orgasms are given, it's not actually sex."

"The deviousness of your mind is sometimes breath-taking," Phil said.

"It's part of why you love me," Clint said smugly.

He leaned over and pressed a hard, fierce kiss on Phil's lips before standing up and starting to work on the buckles of his tac suit. Phil sighed and shrugged out of his jacket.

Clint was just unfastening the last buckle when he heard a muffled thump. He paused and waited for a moment. The sound came again, louder this time, and he grinned.

"Cavalry's here," he said.

"Thank god," Phil said with a loud sigh of relief.

"Having to choose between death or sex with me was that much of a problem?" Clint asked curiously.

Phil's kiss left Clint breathless and needy, even as Phil stepped back and began quickly and efficiently buckling Clint's vest up.

"I didn't want to remember being forced into it," Phil said calmly. "Every time we make love, I want to remember that we've chosen this and not that there was one time when we _had_ to do it."

"You are a weird and amazingly romantic man, Phil Coulson," Clint said, kissing him gently. "Don't ever change."

There was a quiet click and then the 'chunk' sound of locks disengaging. 

Clint grinned. "Want to kick some extremely disturbed sex obsessed asses?"

Phil's small, fierce smile made Clint's heart jump.

"Lead the way," Phil said.


End file.
